musing way week 10: without something you crave

[justjarod]

[locked to ironmaiden, old_csat, lion_cub]

I live each day without the things I crave most. I suppose that makes this both a familiar question, and an easy one to answer. There is some good in everything? I live with the barest scraps of knowledge of who I am, where I came from. Without the gentle strength I know my mother's presence would be. Without any ability at all to know my younger sister – this may in some ways be a blessing. If I cannot know her, the Centre cannot find her to exploit her as they have my brother and myself.

...Kyle.

I live for both of us, without the knife-edged power of his presence and the delightfully wondering joy of his new discoveries. I miss him more than I can stand, on some days. The brilliant clarity of his understanding and the dark edge to his smile. I would give almost anything to be able to feel even his pain again, though I would never wish him to hurt.

Without the woman who I – despite all reason, in spite of all our history – can do nothing but love, and miss, and desire. Pulling her along after me is no salve for how much I wish things could be different.

With only the barest, filtered presence of the only father I can remember having. I miss you, Sydney.

I hope, one day, that the answer to this question can be something entirely frivolous, because I already have what I truly want.